Dark Angel meets Stargate SG1 (stooopid humour fic

[~*Intellectual_Breeze*~]

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, blah, blah, blah!...the usual.
Category: Humour
Rating: PG
Season: 2 of Dark Angel, 5 of Stargate
Comment: This story is very silly. Max goes on a misson to Cheyenne Mountain where the Stargate is. Meow!


“Logan I’m hitting you back.” Max announced as she barged in to his luxury Penthouse apartment, grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl on her way. She took a bite just as Eyes’ Only wheeled himself out from his computer area.
“Oh hey, howz it goin’?” He gleamed.
“Don’t tell me you got me off work for a nice conversation about my health?” She smiled.
“I just needed to see your face.” He waited for a response. Max just smiled patiently. “Actually I came across some interesting information while I was browsing through some classified files.” He began clicking. Suddenly a look of panic came over him. He typed vigorously looking rather worried.
“Look Logan I know you get all enthusiastic about all your,” She tried to find the right word,. “stuff. I guess it’s a guy thing.”
“Max, I’m sure you’ll feel enthusiastic about this, once I find it. I put it in a place where I knew I wouldn’t lose it!”<br>“Really?” She questioned teasing him. He laughed nervously.
“Oh thank God, here it is.” Many images were displayed upon the screen. Max looked confused as she attempted to construct something in her mind. “Believe it or not this is a piece of alien technology.” Logan began pointing a picture of a strange object.
“Yeah right and Original Cindy’s straight.” Max teased in disbelief.
“I’m not joking Max, it’s being held at maximum security military complex. You may have heard of it.” Logan looked at Max as if waiting for her to answer. She screwed her nose in confusion. “Oh right the name! Cheyenne Mountain.” Max laughed at Logan.
“Yeah I’ve heard of it. Don’t they have the shooter from the Grassy Knole locked up there? Along with little grey aliens with big black eyes?” She retorted sarcastically. Max leaned closer to him. “I heard Michael Jackson was being experimented on there too.” She turned and headed for the door.
“Max, this piece of technology is a medical device. Apparently it can scan, diagnose and recommend treatments for many viruses, natural and man made.” Logan watched Max through the distorted glass, her slim figure headed back toward him.
“You think it can cure the ‘love bug’?” She asked softly. She didn’t want to get her hopes up. The past couple of attempts had failed miserably. L
“It’s very advanced, far beyond our modern grasp of technology.”<br>“So it’s a must have on your Christmas list, right?”<br>“It’s an idea, a dangerous one at that. It’s your choice Max, but I’m telling you to do it. Please. Now. Go. Leave.” She leaned on one hip, looking at Logan longingly.
“Okay, how come we got alien technology anyways?”<br>“The Air Force got hold of a travelling device. The thing is, this Medical Device is going to be moved to an even more secured place in three days.”<br>“That don’t give me much time. I suppose I’ll get Alec to help me out.”<br>“Are you sure, I mean, wouldn’t it be easier on your own?”
“You want me to die?” She questioned.

[~*Intellectual_Breeze*~]

In the Briefing room deep in Cheyenne mountain, all members of SG1 were sitting around the familiar dark wooden table, each with an open file in front of them. Colonel O’Neill’s was upside down and was decorated with faces and guns. The General was at the head of the table, looking important, in deep discussion with them all. Jack was staring intently at his glass of water. He was very bored. He swiped for the water and downed it in one mouthful, then slammed it back on the table.
“TOUCHDOWN!!” He muttered to himself, with two fists clenched in triumph. Four sets of eyes were looking at him puzzled. There was an awkward silence. Daniel’s eyebrows moved up and down a couple of times, with two little rolls of skin appearing in between them. Sam bit the corner of her bottom lip. George sighed. Teal’c simply did nothing.
“Colonel?” The General asked. Jack looked blank. Even more so than when Carter was trying to explain how the gate worked.
“Carter was going to talk about that thing Daniel found in the bunker, right?” He said trying to take part.
“O’Neill?” Teal’c questioned. “Did you not just hear Major Carter?” Another blank look floated across the table.
“All I said was Daniel found a piece of technology, Sir.” There was silence.
“So talk about it already!” Jack muttered refilling his glass.
“Well, the Pentagon are coming in three days to take it for their scientists to study long term, or something like that. The truth is I think it would be better off here, Sir.”<br>“How’s that Major Carter?” Asked the General.
“Presumably it is going to be more familiar with viruses we pick up through the Star Gate, than here on earth. Doctor Fraser could probably use it much more effectively.” George sighed again.
“Sadly the president disagrees. It will be taken to Area 51. The NID and the Russians have booked time to see it in action.”<br>“Woah!! The Russians are going to Area 51?!” Exclaimed Jack, suddenly joining in the conversation.
“No.” The General replied.
“What? But you just said,” Jack pushed.
“That is not the main issue here Colonel.” George said sternly.
“But we don’t want the Russians in Area 51!”<br>“They’re not going to area 51.” Daniel added slightly fed up.
“What?” Jack questioned. His Archaeologist team mate frowned.
“Huh? What?” Daniel and Jack were both confused as to where this conversation was going.
“Well Major Carter you have all of three days to gleam as much as you can before it is removed from the SGC. That will do for now. Dismissed.” George ordered and rose from his seat. “Oh Colonel, go see the Doctor about your drinking.” Jack thingyed his head. “You drank an awful lot today, maybe you have bladder problems.” The General turned away and headed for his office, hiding a childish grin.
“Oh, you cheeky General.” O’Neill whispered to himself.

[~*Intellectual_Breeze*~]

Lights were blazing and the music was pounding form Max’s feet to her heart. She got a thrill when the music was played so loud she could actually feel it. However, right now she wanted somewhere a little quieter. She saw Alec sitting alone at the bar. He spent more time at Crash than she did, and Max was practically a regular. She watched him two shots of some weird looking green stuff.
“Hey Smart Alec!” He turned and his little eyes lit up.
“Hey Waxy Maxy!!” He grinned. She frowned. “C’mon, you gave me a name so it’s only fair I do the same!”<br>“I already have a name, Alec.” He smiled at her sarcastic tone. “I extended it and made it more interesting.” He raised a small glass towards her.
“To Waxy Maxy, the hottest girl in my sight at the moment. All three of you.” He winked. She winced.
“How much have you drunk?” He smiled an evil smile. “Well, we gotta talk, so c’mon.”<br>“But Waxy, we are talking.” His grin was so annoying Max just wanted to hit him.
“Yeah, but not here though. C’mon.” She dragged him off the bar stool. However, gravity got the better of him. Max tutted and rolled her eyes.
“Typical.” He wasn’t shifting so she picked him up to his feet and walked him to the stairs. He was dragged to her motorcycle.
“Hold on and don’t fall off!”
“Sure thang Maxina, Maxina The Warrior Princess!” He started getting loud. Way too loud. Max had a look of disgust on her face ad she elbowed him in the chest.
“Shut up.” Her Ninja’s engine growled as she sped off into the dimly lit distance.

[Kaboom]

lol! ;D It's... different! That's a good thing! It's pretty good by the way!

[~*Intellectual_Breeze*~]

“Sam this is so amazing, I’ve discovered three new viral infections that are natural to earth. However, I would have diagnosed people incorrectly if it wasn’t for this little baby.” Janet smiled looking up from a microscope. Sam laughed whilst picking up the alien devise, analysing it intently. It had beautiful alien symbols surrounding the information panel.
“Daniel is in love with this language. I’m not surprised, it’s very attractive,” Sam gazed at the writings running her fingers across them, “very beautiful” she continued. Janet yawned and giggled, Sam yawned and giggled.
“I guess we should call it a night Doctor Fraser!” Janet completely agreed.
“I completely agree.” The Major collected up the devise and took it into a small room which had other precious finds. She locked it up and nodded to a handsome tall S.F. He obviously got the wrong idea and grinned, eyes beaming. Oh damn! Carter thought. Sam displayed a bemused look.
“Don’t let anyone in here.” He smiled a Hollywood toothy smile. Sam shook her head and exited.

[~*Intellectual_Breeze*~]

“So, how are we going to do this exactly?” Alec asked frowning. There were three men guarding an entrance. Each had a P90 and other various side arms. “Man military rocks.” Max glared at him. “Look Max, I am really, truly sorry for painting your bike. I mean the paint will peel off eventually.” Max glared even harder at him. “C’mon you know I was slaughtered. Even more so after you beat the living,” He was interrupted.
“Shut up. The only way this is going to work is if you shut up. So shut up.” Max clenched her teeth.
“I only,” As soon as he opened his mouth he got a slap around the face. “Women!” he muttered.
“Ok, lets move the guards are making their switch.” Max and Alec’s silhouettes scurried along the dark ground. Alec jumped over and behind three guards.
“Hey, what was that?” Asked a butch ginger one. Max came out from the shadows, looking all seductive.
“Is it ok if I knock you guys out?” She asked all sweet and innocent. All three pointed their guns at the young lady. From behind Alec smashed two of their skulls together and they dropped to the ground. Max then kicked the other guy’s wrist, knocking the gun out of his hand. She then threw him against a cement wall.
“Is this really gonna be worth the thousands of dollars we’re gonna fetch for this alien thingy?” Alec asked lobbing the guards behind a row of bushes.
“Keep moving, Soldier.” Strangely Alec obeyed. Max and her partner in crime sneaked secretly, unheard and completely undetected. Full of feline grace and precision they were well in to the complex.
Alec pulled Max in to alcove. She pulled out some papers.
“I think it’s best if we take the Air vents.” Max pointed and Alec watched closely the chosen route. “I’ll go first, then you follow.”<br>“Hehehe, sure thing Maxy.” Giggled her sidekick. She definitely didn’t like the way he was looking at her.
“On seconds thoughts, you go first.” Alec smiled.
“Whatever turns you on.” Max held her head in her hands and sighed whilst Alec laughed to himself. “But first I’m gonna swipe pretty boy’s security card over there, makes life a little easier, eh?” Max nodded. Quick as a flash the S.F. across the way was bowled over and dragged in to a WC. Max looked at her watch then glanced at her side to see Alec placing the card into his shirt pocket. “After you.” He signalled to the grate above them.
“We changed the plan remember?” She flicked his forehead.

[~*Intellectual_Breeze*~]

“So Daniel?” Jack asked washing his hands.
“Yeah?” Daniel responded examining his tired face in the mirror. Was that a wrinkle at the side of his eye? He couldn’t quite tell. Suddenly he noticed Jack peering in to the mirror from behind him.
“Found a wrinkle?” Jack teased.
“No!” Daniel said defensively.
“Oh, just checking yourself out then?” Jack smiled. “It’s ok, I do it all the time.”<br>“How long are we going to have to hide in here, Jack? People might think we have medical problems!”<br>“Or we just enjoy each others company!” Jack peeked through the door.
“Jack, we’ve been in the bathroom for ten minutes, I think the girls are gone!” Daniel sighed. Jack looked afraid and grabbed Daniel.
“No, Danny! Never, ever underestimate the women. They know stuff. They can sense our fears and use it against us!” Jack started shaking and fell to his knees. “Promise me you wont go out there.” Daniel couldn’t tell if the Colonel was joking. “Promise, damn it!!”<br>“Ok.” Daniel answered slowly, quite confused.
“Good!” Jack stood up good as new.
“You’re an ass, Jack.” Daniel remarked through gritted teeth. “Look, they were simply teasing us. They’re not really in love with us!” Daniel exclaimed shaking his head and leaving Jack in the toilets.
“Damn it Daniel!! What are you doing?” Jack put on his ‘command’ voice however, it had no success. Daniel had had enough! Enough of Jack and his pathetic fantasies that he forced on to the younger man. Some may reason that picking a person up and throwing them over one’s shoulder and running full speed out of the commissary only to be dumped into the gents was a bit much. Basically Jack was a complete embarrassment!
As Daniel stormed down the hall to finish his breakfast he noticed people mumbling to each other and quietening down as he passed them. He was surprised by their response after all they had just seen a grown man screaming:
“They’re after us Daniel, the woman are after us!!!” Whilst carrying a terrified 6 foot man. Daniel arrived to where his breakfast had been.
“Great! It normally takes them weeks to clear the tables.” He muttered as he slumped back in to his once warm seat. With pouted lips he gazed longingly where his toast and coffee should have been waiting for him. Daniel lay his head on his arms which were folded on the table. He closed his eyes and contemplated his next encounter with the Colonel.